It’s always late at night that I get really sad and introspective. There’s a lot troubling my mind.
I’m now in my second year of college. I’m a nursing major, enrolled in seven classes, and work on average fifteen hours a week. I’m incredibly stressed and stretched entirely too thin. It’s really weighing on me.
I haven’t slept more than a few hours a night in months. It’s not that I stay up too late, I just can’t stay asleep. I have these dreams that are so dark, and I don’t know what to make of them. Most of them are about death. Some are recurring.
I’ve never missed an assignment, and spend a fair amount of time on all of my work, even though I don’t have much time to begin with. I have twelve hour days, and I’m exhausted and completely useless by the time I get home.
I went to the doctor’s recently. They tested a bunch of my blood and found out I’m deficient in a bunch of vitamins. They thought that might be why I’m so fatigued all the time. The supplements haven’t been helping yet. There’s also some other unresolved problems I have, and they can’t figure out what’s causing them. I now have so many pill canisters I can’t remember what each one is for, just know that I have to take them all at the right times and they may help out with the problems.
I haven’t had contact with my mother outside holidays in over two years now, for the most part. I miss her like hell, but even when I see her, she’s not really there.
I haven’t had any time for the people in my life in such a long time. My friends, my family, even my boyfriend, and I sort of live with him. If I’m not in class or working, I feel like I have to be doing homework so I don’t get behind. I feel guilty when I’m not. On the weekends, I’m too tired to leave my room and the thought of driving somewhere or sitting in a movie theatre or in a restaurant full of people is overwhelming. We don’t even have a physical relationship anymore because I’m too exhausted to entertain the thought. My personal relationships are suffering, and there’s nothing I can do about it. And most of the time I’m too sick and tired to care. I shrug it off because it’s something to deal with at a later time. Focusing in the present doesn’t make me any better off, though.
My anxiety is on overdrive. My cardiac health has declined, and carrying a backpack leaves me out of breath. I stopped doing yoga for lack of time and energy. I conserve every ounce of energy I have to make it through the day.
I walk around with my mouth slung open and dark circles under my eyes. I wear yoga pants with shredded ends to class every day with ruined suede boots because I just want to be comfortable. I can’t concentrate in class. My eyes are constantly slamming shut.
My grades suck. Which kills me, because I work so hard. It’s not that I’m failing out, but the grading scale for nursing students is tougher than most others. A 75 is an F, so I can’t even try to make it by floating by.
And on top of it, I now dislike the job I used to love. I don’t feel appreciated or valued as an employee, even though I have never called in to work or missed a shift in the two years I’ve worked there and always come in when they call me short notice to help out (which is a lot). I’ve been there longer than anyone else, and I’m such a hard worker and have accomplished a lot since I’ve been there.
I guess I just feel like I shouldn’t care so much about putting the little energy I have into school and work. Neither seem to be doing any good for me. I’ve been putting my own needs off for too long, and now it’s really coming down on me.
I never thought I had depression, but lately I don’t know. I haven’t had a stretch that difficult that’s lasted this long before. I feel sick. I feel like crap every day. Even now, on my spring break, I feel like shit. I’ve had a headache all day and my entire body aches. I have so much homework to do. I just want to lay in my bed for a week and catch up on my shows and not talk to anyone.
I need help.